I fall in deep 

Past where darkness ends 

Past where fear resides 

Past where hope grows 

Be steady 

Be ready 

They exclaim 

Chaos surrounds me 

Loneliness weaves through my fingertips 

Depression consumes me

Who are you

And whAt have you done 

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My short & unpleasant internship at Cosmopolitan Magazine

I let myself out

At first, I was more than terrified especially from this article The 14 Dos & Don’ts of an Intern . It was on Cosmo in the careers page right there taunting and frustrated. I was fucked literally dreading it before I even stepped foot in the office.

I applied to be a fashion intern on a whim, being in Australia for just 9 months and with two short stints back in Singapore I applied for everything and anything. But this job, I had not expected to hear from her at all.

Why accept a science student when its fashion?

It should have been my first warning bell, but I had thought maybe she overlooked it and the naive me just thought to hell with science I want to experience what it is truly like to be interning at the magazine. The last time I blindly accepted a job at a recruitment company, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

So why not?

On the morning of the day, me rushing from end to end of the apartment finding my keys to throwing out of the trash and running for the bus proved to be very taxing on a worried mind. As I signed in with the security guard, who was so pleasant paired me up with a freelance Cosmo writer who reassured me not to be nervous as I blurted it out to her. She introduced me to the Fashion team consisting of pleasant individuals that guided me to the wardrobe room.

The rumors were true and my hands were itching to clean the place or at least rearrange something.

It was a royal mess, different stylist had different rooms clothes bursting on the racks shoes scattered on the floor jewelry packed in a shelf. And when he introduced me, i felt three pairs of scrutinizing eyes asses their latest meal. I felt under dressed in my sweater and sneakers, what was i thinking.

I was royally fucked.

TDWP3

Shantel, Nicole and Gillian. Three girls with impeccable taste and three swirl chairs. Clearly there wasn’t any room for me, dread was seeping in and it took me a lot of will power not to bolt and solider down.

I tried, I really did.

As the introduction of names blew over and the initial shock took over, I tried to make small talk. I hate small talk. And clearly they did too, I mentioned that I had finished my foundation studies and was from Singapore. Polite responses were all I got and an awkward silence settled. Ana came in with a trolley full of packages and very very briefly showed me the pantry and toilet.

Shantel took up the role in showing me the ropes, writing invoices, describe them and hang them up in the respective stylist corners. I struggled as I was clueless at the different names of the different clothes. Who knew clothes were so difficult. As I wrote I saw how they were with each other, so in sync and talking comfortably over me.

Constant chatter & chorus of “oh my god that’s so cute”, “that’s amazing”, “I would so wear this” and they said these phrases with straight faces with exaggerated tones.

Welcome to New York Fashion Wannabe Bitch Training 101.

bitch

Maybe I was too sensitive, brushing it aside I continued to write my invoice for pretty side plates until one of them opened a package for a rabbit fur coat and skirt. So pure so white so wrong. And all I hear from them is how soft the fur is and how amazing it would look. I felt sick. They continued this mindless chatter while I contemplated my awaiting death and awkwardness with the invoices.

A blessing came in the form of a fire drill.

I was out! But I spoke too soon, it was worse than being in that stuffy room. Way way worse, Ana with the girls ignored the shit out of me my small talk went unanswered and me left behind. I didn’t waver, I stood there unflinching yet painfully aware of being invisible.

Why are they so heartless and racist? TDWP

My previous misgivings confirmed this, Ana had hired me without looking at my resume. Warning bells were ringing and my inner voice and gut told me to get out. What is the point of taking a new member in when she does not even have a chair, can’t hold a proper conversation and you talk over her.

Worse or as bad as the devil wears prada, but on the bright side I don’t have to make coffee.

As they sent me on a scavenger hunt for a horse shoe key chain, I took this time to not be in their way sitting on floors and searching for that key chain as if its the most important task. Taking a break, Gillian the one that snubbed me casually asked what I wanted to study, in my answer lay my final nail in the coffin. My answer caused many looks to pass on her face and again her answer was silence, I quickly cut the tape and refused to explain my choice in my line of work.

Why give the time of day when clearly small talk is beneath you. tdwp 6

In the remaining minutes towards lunch, I kept to myself doing tasks and helping when I could. I wasn’t coming back and nothing would sway it. As they showed me where to deposit the outgoing packages, I felt a pang of sadness for this lot. To them this opportunity means a lifetime of managing to fulfill their dreams. I respect that but is a backstabbing two faced bitch what truly is the face of fashion? It is clear I am not worthy to be included in the circle of elites, but honestly is it so rotten to the core? tdwp7

They begrudgingly invited me to lunch with the under lying message of not wanting to eat with me thank fucking goodness neither did I.  So I went my own way, depressingly eating a MacDonald burger in my semi-depressed state. Not once did I feel like crying but experiencing discrimination at its finest when I clearly did nothing wrong but just want an experience. What had Asians done so wrong to deserve any of this.

I let myself out. Ana and the girls would think they had scared me away, no I will not put myself through such discrimination. I went and sought her out during the lunch break and told her this wasn’t for me. Surprisingly she took it in her stride, I could imagine the thoughts running through her brain. “Well its good that she came to her senses.”, if not her then at least one of the girls would think that.

I had not passed on a good opportunity but rather escaped a catastrophe in the making. TDQP@

Feeling rather depressed about the whole incident, made me worry about the upcoming orientation that I will be attending. Yes the university will have plenty of Asians but in a dominantly white country, and after such a distasteful experience at Cosmopolitan, will university be as bad as what I have experienced?

For such a prominent and well read magazine, I expected a full rounded experience and more maybe it was not for me but I guess it is good to get out when I can.

tdwp5

Probably a mantra that all who intern there repeat on a daily basis.

Goodbye Cosmopolitan, you will not be missed.

xoxo,

Danica

 

i realized i kept drinking

no offering you any

i felt bad and gave you some

holding the straw to you

you drank from the straw without looking at me

while i just stared at you

bliss

you came

then the video came on

both blushing deeply

i turned to the laptop to type

you resorted to poking me in the cheek

i smiled at you and pulled your cheek

oh how i want to stare at you longer

my heart warmed at the thoguht of

what you did

what you said

what you showed

i can always expect the unexpected with you

you dont usually admit things

im even surprised that the topic of me came up

i thank your friends for being so nice

pretty is not a word im used to hearing

i thank them for such beautiful comments